As both my loyal readers may remember, I was accused of “trying to incite a riot” by someone who was displeased at my column about boycotting the NFL. And my detractor started me thinking about what a “Conservative riot” might look like. A few things I think you’d see:
- All the protest signs would be correctly spelled and punctuated.
- The riot would start and end on time, and there would be an agenda.
- The riot would be very short, because most of us only get an hour for lunch.
- No speaker would be interrupted, unless he/she used a bad word.
- No looting would occur, but nearby coffee shops would enjoy a brief spike in sales.
- Protestors would stop to thank police officers for maintaining order.
- Protestors would also stop to thank the press for covering the event (Just kidding – the mainstream media would pretend it didn’t happen.)
- If anyone got excited and threw a brick, it would be immediately picked up, and the thrower would apologize profusely.
- No property damage would result, and there would be noticeably less litter on the ground than before the riot.
- The general theme of the riot would be “We’re mad as heck, and we’re not prepared to take it much longer without a calm, open dialogue about the underlying issues, as soon as we can organize it!”
The aforementioned protest signs would read:
- “Yes, I am an ideologue, and I’d be happy to explain what that word means”.
- “Debate the facts - Stop ad-homonym attacks!” (See above)
- “Keep your hands off my trust fund!”
- “Tolerate ‘Intolerance’!”
- “John 3:16” (Of course that guy would show up!)
- “Don’t judge me for judging, bro!”
- “I pay cash for my health care”
- “Clone Reagan – We have the technology”
- “Stop censoring our history!” (a real sign in a recent protest.)
- “Cracker Barrel rules!” (Hey, there are crazies in every bunch.)